In the Stillness Read online

  * * *

  Finally, the call came. Ryker was coming home. After surgery in Germany to reconstruct what they could of his right shoulder, he was shipped to Walter Reed. He was only there for a couple of weeks, but we didn’t talk during that time. I was taking finals and missed both of his phone calls, and then I had trouble reaching him. It was kind of a nightmare.

  “Hi Natalie, Honey . . .” was how Ryker’s dad, Bill, started the call. His voice was bright, and I cried. He told me Ryker would be home the next day.

  I wiped away tears of joy and relief. “So what do I do? How do I . . .”

  “I’ll pick him up. You can come with me, if you’d like.” He was smiling, I could hear it.

  “No, no. You can go get him, I don’t want to intrude—”

  “You wouldn’t be intruding.”

  “No, really Bill. . .”

  The truth is, I was nervous to see him get off the plane. I don’t know why, but it was like the moment was too heavy for me to deal with. I wanted to run full-speed into his arms, but, then, he was shot in the back and I had no idea what point he was at in the healing process.

  “Ok, then, will you at least come to the house and wait for us to come home?” His tone was expectant.

  “I will. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I hadn’t cut since the night after Lucas’s funeral because that time I felt a little too out of control—almost afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stop. But, I wanted to the night before Ryker came home—I didn’t sleep at all. I can’t really explain it. I was elated to hold Ryker again, to feel his lips against mine, but I was almost more anxious than I was the night before he left. I mean, he’d been to war, his best friend died . . . I didn’t know what that did to a person, but I knew I was about to find out.

  Bill left me the key for his house, so I sat nervously in the living room, jumping to look out the window at the sound of any car. Apparently Ryker’s mom had flown to see him at Walter Reed but was back in Wyoming

  From what Bill told me, as soon as Ryker was finished with therapy, he would be discharged from the National Guard. Whether or not he wanted to re-enlist was up to him and how his injury healed, Bill said. I didn’t want to think about that. I just wanted Ryker.

  Compose yourself, I thought as Bill’s car finally pulled into the driveway. Let him get out of the car and make it to the house. I don’t remember when I started crying, but tears were spilling helplessly down my face as I watched Ryker and his sexy smile get out of the car. I noticed he was holding his right hand at kind of an odd angle, but knew that was nerve damage from the bullet.

  Screw composure.

  I ripped open the front door and flew down the three stone steps that separated me from the man I loved. An audible sob stood in place of where I’d intended to call out his name.

  “Natalie!” His smile was bigger than I thought it would be, and I was relieved.

  When I threw my arms around his neck, I felt him lift me in the air with only his left arm squeezed around my waist.

  “I love you,” I said over and over again as I kissed his lips. My body was shaking with tears and nerves. When he finally set me down, I noticed Bill wasn’t around. He’d quietly gone inside.

  Ryker stroked his hand over my head and down my hair, tugging playfully at the ends. “I missed you like crazy, Nat. Come here.” He pulled me once again into a hug.

  I pulled away with my hands still on his face, studying every feature. His blonde buzz cut was as tight as always. I rubbed my hand over his head, making him smile. He was much darker, making his piercing blue eyes even more striking. I wanted, for just a second, to crawl into his eyes and see what he’d seen. To understand what I’d be dealing with. For the moment, though, I thought it better to leave well enough alone. He was home, he was smiling, and that was good enough.

  “How’s your shoulder?” I felt like an idiot as soon as I said it. Um, shot. That’s how it is.

  Ryker shrugged. “Fine. The bullet tore through and fucked up a bunch of nerves. I’ll be good with therapy. Let’s go inside.”

  Do I mention Lucas? Where’s my damn handbook?

  We walked over to the couch and sat down; Ryker never let go of my hand. Bill entered. “I’m heading out for a few minutes to give you kids some time alone.” He turned to Ryker. “You’ve got one hell of a girl here. It’s good to have you home, son.” Bill gave a firm pat to Ryker’s knee and headed out the door.

  I suddenly felt warm, like I was blushing. I swallowed hard and turned toward Ryker. “I missed you, Ry.” I pressed my forehead into his uniform and started sobbing.

  “I’m here, Babe, it’s okay. I’m fine. It’s fine.” He rubbed my back and kissed my head. Consoling me when he was the one just home from war. He lifted me onto his lap, pushing down on my hips as he kissed me without holding back. “I want to take you upstairs,” he moaned into my ear.

  God, I wanted it too. “Are you sure? What about your dad?” I whispered breathlessly.

  Ryker chuckled. “Why do you think he left? He’s a man, not a saint.”

  And with that, I let my soldier lead me up to his childhood bedroom, where I’d only been once before. I lay back on his bed, but I noticed that he was still heavily favoring his left arm.

  “Here, lay down,” I said, shifting from underneath him.

  “No . . . it’s fine.” His brow furrowed in apparent frustration.

  “Let me take care of you.” I smirked as he conceded.

  I ran my fingers across his name, stitched in his uniform, before slowly unbuttoning and helping him out of his clothes. He shifted anxiously beneath me as I kissed from his neck to his hips.

  “You’re killing me,” he chuckled, biting his lip.

  Smiling, I quickly undressed as he sat up on his elbows, praising me with his eyes.

  “You’re so goddamn hot, Natalie. Get over here.” He playfully grabbed at my legs.

  I properly welcomed my soldier home. My hair created a curtain between us and the rest of the world when I leaned forward and kissed him with everything I had.

  I wish I could have left that curtain there, because when I pulled it away and we were curled up in his bed, Ryker asked me to go to Lucas’s grave with him.

  * * *

  By the time the boys wake up from their nap, Aunt Tosha has time to play with them for a few minutes before leaving. Since she only sees them a few times a month, she has loads of energy and creativity for them. Her nose ring makes them laugh, and she tickles them into a frenzy. She’s fun, and it reminds me to have fun with them, too.

  “Seriously, Natalie, just register for some classes for the fall. Eric said you can, so just do it.” She blows raspberries on Max’s bare belly in between her words.

  I try to answer while stopping Oliver from climbing all over the couch. “Ollie . . . Ollie . . . Ollie! Seriously,” I turn to Tosha, “the only class I’m taking lately is ‘Selective Listening one-oh-one by this guy.” I giggle as I tickle Ollie. “I thought identical twins would be more identical in their behavior. Oliver was sent to me to specifically test my patience, I just know it.”

  Tosha sighs. “All right, Natty-bug-”

  “You’re an ass.” I don’t bother spelling it out in front of little ears as I smack her arm.

  She laughs and pats my shoulder. “I gotta go.”

  On her way out the door she whispers to me, “You know you can always stay with me and Liz whenever you need to.”

  I hug her. “Thank you.”

  She runs into Eric on her way down the stairs. She greets him pleasantly and tells him congrats on the job.

  Eric bounds up the stairs with a smile on his face, which fades for a split second when he meets my eyes, but returns full-wattage as the boys tackle him in the entryway. I turn for the kitchen and start slicing strawberries for afternoon snack. Eric stands next to me, handing me two bowls for the strawberries. He does things like this; we have a huge fight and just a few hours later he’ll saunter in like
nothing happened.

  Not this time.

  “Tosh said you called her.” I continue slicing, but notice his jaw flicker out of the corner of my eye.

  “Damn,” he whispers.

  “Well, what the fuck, Eric? Do you think her loyalty is to you? Why would you call her?” Walking over to the table, I call to the boys, “Max, Ollie, come sit for snack.” Max bounds to the table while Ollie stares at the TV. “Oliver, now.” I use the sternest inside-voice I can muster. He jumps, startled, and races full-smile to the table.

  “I’m freaked out, Natalie, that’s all.” Eric grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles. “I love you and I’m scared about what you’re doing to yourself.”

  Did he inhale too many vapors at the lab today? This morning he was threatening me, and this afternoon he’s concerned? I stare at him, trying to study his motives through his eyes.

  I’ve got nothing.

  Chapter 15

  “Mommy, sing that Winnie-the-Pooh song again,” Ollie asks as he snuggles into bed.

  “No again, guys,” I sigh, “it’s been a busy day and you need sleep. We’ve got kindergarten registration in the morning.”

  Thank. You. God.

  “We get to go to kindergarten when we turn five!” Max cheers.

  “Well, soon after you turn five. But yes, my big boys get to go to kindergarten very soon.”

  Seriously, who’s more excited here?

  “Love you, Mommy.” I really do like that they say it in unison. It’s cute.

  “Night, you two, I’ll send Daddy in.” I walk out of their room and meet Eric as he comes down the hall. “They want to say night to you.” I cock my head toward their bedroom door and head into our bedroom.

  Dinner was quiet tonight. I tried to avoid eye contact with Eric—still livid that he called Tosh about my cutting—but every time I looked at him, he was staring back with nothing but sweetness in his eyes. Maybe I’m crazier than I thought, or maybe he feels a weight off his chest since he tattled on me to my best friend, but that man cannot hold a grudge to save his life.

  I’m just climbing into bed when Eric comes in from saying goodnight to Max and Ollie, the proud smile on his face he always has after spending time with them. I wonder what people see on my face when I’m out with my kids. It’s definitely not the carefree grin Eric carries. He undresses as I silently watch. I can’t help but love the way his Greek skin is tanned year-round and provides perfect shadows across his tight stomach. Guilt overcomes me as he slides into bed next to me. Maybe he really was concerned when he called Tosha today, and not just trying to rat me out. Either way, the awkward silence is suffocating.

  * * *

  I shouldn’t have gone to Lucas’s grave with Ryker. The ending would have been the same, but I wish I hadn’t seen the beginning. He drove, which was also another bad idea. I figured I should make a note of that for future reference, but determined that in the future I just wouldn’t go if anyone asked.

  I offered to stay in the car, but he insisted that I come since I actually knew where the grave was.

  “How was it?” he asked.

  “How was what?”

  “The service.”

  I shrugged and shook my head in response, knowing no answer could possibly be right.

  Before I could attempt an answer, Ryker cut in. “I mean . . . never mind, I don’t know what I’m asking.”

  “No,” I encouraged on second thought, “it was nice. Proper. Sad. I stood with your dad and Tosha. I kind of lost it,” I said as I felt a boulder nestle into my throat.

  Lucas’s grave was the newest one there, and the easiest to spot with the mini American flags and flowers around it. Ryker gave my hand a little squeeze before letting go and facing the gravestone. We met each other’s eyes for a split second, then he went down on one knee and rested his right hand on top of the stone.

  Ryker spoke softly to Lucas—words I didn’t try to hear. I turned my gaze to the surrounding stones, wondering where they were from—what their stories were—until I heard an angry sort of noise come from Ryker. By the time I looked back to him, he was standing and walking back toward the car as if I wasn’t even there. I followed silently, but quickly, behind him.

  He took off down the road as soon as I got in, barely giving me time to buckle my seatbelt. At the first stoplight, I turned to look at him. His knuckles were white against the steering wheel and when he looked at me . . . nothing. His eyes looked like icebergs lonely in the arctic, drifting for no one.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled as he turned his eyes back to the road.

  I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what he was “sorry” for. What happened at the cemetery? What was about to happen? I don’t know if he knew, either, but “sorry” was the easiest way to fill that awkward silence, I guess.

  We were silent for the rest of the drive back to my dorm.

  “I’ll come pick you up tonight, okay? That way you can just leave your car here and not worry about it,” was all he said when I got out. We were going to a party at UMass that night.

  Something else I shouldn’t have agreed to.

  I only had a few hours before I saw him again, but they felt like an eternity. I paced around a lot, thought about calling Tosha—who was living with Liz in Amherst for the summer—but settled on a nap. Maybe when I woke up I wouldn’t be so weirded out about what had happened at the cemetery.

  No such luck.

  By the time we were walking into the party, I felt a physical shift from Ryker. He was rigid, anxious, and his eyes were darting around everywhere. I tried to act “over-normal”—whatever that means—because I swore it was just my craziness making Ryker look on edge. He was completely fine that morning.

  “Are you okay?” I finally asked, after he handed me a beer.

  Ryker leaned down and kissed my cheek. “I’m fine, Babe. Is Tosha coming?” He rubbed his hand back and forth over his head a few times before shoving it into his jeans pocket.

  “She’ll be here. She just lives right across the street.” A gracious second later, I spotted her bounding through the crowd with some black low-lights tearing through her blonde curls. “There she is.” I took Ryker’s hand and led him through the sweaty bodies to Tosha.

  “Hey Nat. Ryker, thank God you’re home!” Tosha hadn’t seen Ryker in the week that he’d been home. She gave him a huge hug, and his normal smile took over his face as he returned the gesture.

  “It’s good to be home, Tosha.” He kissed her on the cheek and stood behind me, wrapping his arm around my waist.

  “What in the sane hell did you do to your hair?” I laughed as I pulled one of the black strands.

  She didn’t have time to answer before someone slammed into Ryker, throwing him into me, and causing his beer to spill down my back, which was bare from my spaghetti-strapped dress.

  “What the fuck, asshole?” The venom in Ryker’s voice caused me to spin around, where I found him holding the stumbling transgressor by the collar. His neck was red, veins popping out as he breathed through his nostrils.

  “Ryker, it’s fine,” I whispered in futility under the over-pumped bass coming from the speakers. “Ry!” I yelled as a circle started to form around him.

  He snapped his head toward me the second time I called his name and swallowed hard as he let go of the stranger’s collar. Wordlessly, he grabbed my hand as his eyes pierced through mine. As we pushed past Tosha, whose eyes were as wide open as her mouth, I shrugged and mouthed “I’ll call you.”

  Ryker gripped my hand harder as we—I—speed-walked to keep up with him toward his car.

  “Ryker . . . Ryker . . .” He wasn’t responding to me, but I watched his shoulders rise and fall under his deep breaths. My hand started to hurt. “Ryker, you’re hurting me!” I shrieked when I thought my pinky knuckle was going to break.

  “Jesus Christ, Natalie, I’m sorry.” He almost threw my hand down and ran both hands over his head as he paced back and forth in front of his car. �
�That guy was such a dick, and I ruined your dress. Did I hurt you? Fu—”

  “No, I’m sorry,” I cut in, stepping cautiously toward him. I took his hands in mine, forcing him to stop pacing. “Today was really intense—we shouldn’t have come here—”

  Ryker slammed his fists on the roof of his car, cutting me off. “What the fuck!” he growled, pressing his head into his doorframe.

  “Let’s just go back to my dorm okay? I don’t have a roommate this summer, remember?” I tried for a coy smile, but I’m sure it looked more nervous than anything.

  He nodded. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

  I foolishly breathed a huge sigh of relief as I got into the car and we headed back to my dorm. The nightmares started that night—for both of us.

  * * *

  “I’m sorry,” Eric whispers as he kisses tears off my cheek.

  I pull my head away. “What?”

  “About our fighting lately, Natalie. I know things have been tense lately. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  “You didn’t.” I sniff and wipe away my tears as I roll my back to Eric.

  “But, you’re crying . . .”

  “I know. It wasn’t you . . . hey, I forgot to remind you, but tomorrow is the boys’ kindergarten screening—”

  “Seriously, Natalie?” he cuts me off.

  “Seriously,” I say without rolling to face him.

  “It’s two days before my presentation—”

  “Don’t worry if you can’t make it. I’ve got this shit handled.” I know it’s two days before his presentation, and I don’t need him there for registration. But, I refuse to not tell him about life events just to prevent guilt he may or may not feel.

  Eric lets out a long sigh and we’re both quiet for a long time, each wanting the other to think we’re asleep.

  Chapter 16

  “I wonder if I should try to get ahold of Ryker,” I say to Tosha on the phone as I get the boys ready for the screening.