In the Stillness Read online

  “Hey,” I try, nonchalantly.

  “Where were you? Did you tell me you had plans?” He’s wide awake. I was only gone for an hour.

  “I went over to The Monkey Bar. Met Tosh and Liz.” I start for the bedroom but my dizziness sits me on the couch. Next to Eric.

  “Why were they out? It’s a Monday.”

  You really are a pompous ass.

  “It’s exam time. They’re professors. And, I don’t work. So, we were free.”

  It’s been a long time since we’ve been home together, just sitting on the couch. When I close my eyes I don’t see toys, I can’t hear the sleeping boys, and all I can smell is the Abercrombie cologne Eric still insists on wearing. After a few minutes, I feel Eric sweep me into his arms and bring me to our bed. I half-heartedly help get myself out of the dress, crawling into bed wearing only my panties.

  Eric kisses just behind my ear as he slides into bed next to me. “I love you, Natalie. We’ll figure this out, okay?”

  I nod and drift to sleep, dreaming about the time a girl at some party at UMass challenged me about the yellow ribbon on my jacket. I used the pin from that ribbon to cut for the first time.

  Chapter 9

  While I’m at the park with the twins the next day, Tosha calls.

  “Hello?”

  “And how are you feeling this morning, Lightweight?” she says with a tick too much cheer.

  “Well,” I clear my throat, which is slightly scratchy from my single cigarette last night, “I’m hiding behind huge sunglasses at the playground like a bitch, downing a venti, and praying the boys don’t drag me into one of their superhero games.”

  “You’re disastrous,” she says mid-laugh.

  “Well, I haven’t gone out in months and the first time I do I swallow three margaritas in, what, an hour?”

  Tosha whispers, as if others can hear, “Was he pissed?”

  “I don’t really know. He seemed it at first, then he carried me to bed and told me he loved me.”

  “Is he a fucking saint?” Her annoyance is laughable.

  “Yeah, didn’t you know?” I scoff. “And, coffee was ready for me this morning. I gotta go, the boys are about to jump from the fire pole.”

  “Fine, but call me later.”

  I end the call, gather the boys, and head for a drive before naptime.

  As we wind down South East St., I find myself looking for a certain house. I drive this street all the time, but it’s only every few times that I look. Ryker’s dad was so nice to me during the time Ryker and I were together, and even when we weren’t. It’s not that he stopped being nice to me; it’s that I stopped letting him. I haven’t spoken to him since I was pregnant with the boys. We ran into each other at the grocery store. He congratulated me, but there was a look in his eyes I’ll never forget. It was bittersweet. I cried for the rest of that day.

  Rounding the corner, I spot Bill mowing his lawn. My pulse races as we drive by, but I don’t slow down. I remember walking nervously up their front walk when Ryker first got home. I wanted to run, but it was all I could do to remain upright.

  A quick glance in the rearview mirror and I see the boys are passed out. Great. It’s impossible to move them from the car to their bed without them fully waking up, so it looks like I’ll be driving around for a while. I turn right when I get to the end of the street and head for a drive down 116. I like to drive past Mount Holyoke’s stunning campus as often as possible. I call Tosh to see if she has some free time to pop out of her office and say “hi.”

  “Of course,” she says, “just text me when you’re outside my building.”

  As soon as I hang up, the phone rings again. It’s Eric.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I ask as I drive past Atkin’s Market, winding my way down 116.

  He sounds energized. “Hi Babe, just wanted to know if you wanted to swing over for lunch today with the boys? We can eat down by the pond or something?”

  “You’re in a good mood.”

  “Well, we got a lot accomplished today. I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

  Must be nice.

  “I’m actually driving over to see Tosh at her office. The boys are sound asleep in the back so it’s a-driving I go.” I try not to sound too sarcastic, but this is what my afternoons have become. I don’t like it.

  “Okay,” he huffs, “well I’ll be home early tonight. We’ll grill for dinner, and when the boys go to bed, you and I can have some quality time together. It’s been a tough few months for both of us.”

  Mmmhmm.

  “Sounds good. See ya later. Love you.” I remember to say love you in the nick of time. He gets all bent out of shape if we hang up without saying it.

  “I love you.”

  Sometimes I wish I could chuck my cell phone out the window so Eric can’t interrupt my thoughts any time he pleases. Not that he calls me all that much—he actually doesn’t call that often—but when he does, it grates on my nerves. He’s in my face plenty, why can’t we just leave well enough alone when we’re apart?

  * * *

  I didn’t have to beg my parents for a cell phone on Christmas of 2001; they thought it was suddenly a necessary item. Apparently, they’d want to know immediately if I was in the middle of some terrorist activity. The cell phone was the answer to all of their problems.

  Just after Christmas, I gave Ryker’s dad, Bill, my new cell number, so he could give it to Ryker when he called. His unit was deployed just before Christmas, and winter break felt like purgatory, waiting for his call with nothing to distract me.

  Finally, the first week in January, the phone rang with an “unavailable number.” I tried not to get my hopes up that it was him.

  My voice was shakier than I would have liked. “Hello?”

  “Damn, it’s good to hear your voice,” Ryker purred into the phone. I could hear his smile.

  I threw my hand over my mouth to silence the tears. “Hey you,” I squeaked out.

  Hearing his voice made it real. All at once. Ryker Manning—my boyfriend, Amherst College political science major, and Bill and Julia’s son—was at war.

  “Heeey,” he stretched out like a parent comforting an infant, “don’t cry.”

  “I’m sorry,” I quickly composed myself, “how’s . . . everything?” I felt like such an idiot. How’s everything?

  “It’s weird, kind of hard to explain. Tense, boring, you know.”

  “Yeah,” I chuckled, “I know. It’s boring and tense without you around.”

  “How’d you finish out the semester?” He sounded nervous.

  “Do you really want to talk about school, Ryker?”

  He laughed. “Not really. I’d rather talk about how much I love you.”

  Suddenly I was suspended in air. We’d said I love you to each other a few times before he left. He just reaffirmed that he felt the same way. I started to cry again, but worked really hard to keep it out of my voice.

  “I love you, too.” I turned my back as my mom walked into the kitchen. She poured orange juice and pretended to take a sip. She hates orange juice; she was eavesdropping.

  “I got your letter. I keep it in my pocket all the time.”

  The day I got home from saying goodbye to him, I wrote him a letter telling him every good thing about him I was feeling that moment, and promised it would never change. I said it would probably only increase as he was gone, but that I wanted him as soon as possible. The me of today would tell the me of then to just put the pen down, or write a simple “I love you.” There were loads of promises in that letter . . .

  “Will you write me more?” he asked. “I can’t explain what it’s like to actually get a letter. It’s a piece of you here with me.”

  “I’ll write you every day if you want.” My mom choked a little on her juice. I really wanted her to go away. I moved out to the living room. “I miss you.” I promised myself I wouldn’t say it, but it came flying out anyway.

  “God,
Nat, I miss you too. It’s only been a little over a month but—”

  “But you’re so far away.” I wiped under my eyes as my mom, obviously, came into the living room.

  “Yeah, so far away. I love you, Baby. I’m going to keep writing you, too. Okay? I want to be there with you any way possible. Listen, I gotta go,” he cleared his throat, “but I’ll call you again as soon as I can.”

  “Okay. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Click.

  I sat in silence, staring at the phone that had just connected me with my soldier thousands of miles away and now sat blank. I didn’t care that my mom was watching, I let the tears pour down my face. I didn’t think simply hearing his voice would hurt so much.

  “Honey, don’t you think you’re a bit too serious about this boy?” my mom said unflinchingly.

  I turned my head slowly and found my dad cautiously entering the room. He’d heard what she said.

  “I beg your pardon?” I questioned.

  “You’re a mess, Dear. You’ve been seeing each other just a few months . . .”

  “It’s not like he stayed in Amherst while I came home to Pennsylvania for Christmas, Mother, he’s in fucking Afghanistan!” I rose as I shouted.

  “Natalie . . .” My dad raised his hand in an effort to calm me.

  She picked imaginary lint off her shirt. “I just don’t think it’s good for you to be involved with a military person at this point in your schooling.”

  “Soldier. The word you’re looking for is soldier. And, Dad,” I turned toward my father, “how would you feel if you found out that Gram’s mom told her to stop getting “so serious” with Grampa when he was in Korea?” My grandfather served in the Marines in Korea. That’s the closest I’d ever been to the military until Ryker.

  “This isn’t about your grandfather, Natalie. This is about you and what’s best for your future.” My mom was as unruffled as they came.

  I looked right at both of them as I said, “That’s exactly what this is about. After high school, Dad wanted to join the military and you cried and begged him not to. You won.” I stomped up the stairs, slammed my door, and listened to “I Miss You” by Incubus until I fell asleep, clutching my brand new cell phone.

  There was only one number that mattered in those days, and it came up “unavailable.”

  The irony never stopped.

  * * *

  While Eric grills outside on the deck, my mother calls.

  “Hey Mom, what’s up?”

  “Hello, Dear, I’m just checking in to see how things are coming along for Eric’s graduation.”

  “Fine,” I mumble, “he makes his presentation this week, I think, then by graduation time he’ll be a doctor.” The deck door is open, and Eric can hear me, so I force a smile when I speak the last word.

  “Lovely. How are the boys? Their big fifth birthday is coming up!” Her voice lightens dramatically when discussing her grandchildren.

  She loves them more than I’ve seen her love anyone in my life. I’ll never forget the look of disappointment on her face though, when I told her I was pregnant. It was like I could see her adding up how much she and my father had spent on my education.

  “They’re good. Loving preschool and looking forward to kindergarten.” So am I. I mill about the kitchen to keep myself busy while I’m talking to her. It’s too dangerous to be fully emotionally present.

  “That’s the reason I’m calling, actually. We’ll obviously be up for Eric’s graduation, and I was wondering if your father and I could take the boys back to our house for a week or so? Once they start kin—”

  “Yes!” I cut in excitedly. “That’d be great! Boys, do you want to stay at Grandma and Grandpa’s house soon?”

  “Yaaaay!” they cheer in unison before returning their attention to Curious George.

  Eric steps in with a plate of steaming chicken and sets it on the counter. He saunters over to me and moves my hair off my shoulder, kissing my neck. I shrug away like his doing that is preventing me from listening to my mother.

  “It’s set, then. After graduation we’ll take the boys for the week. I’m sure Eric needs some time to unwind after the long year he’s had.”

  “Mmhmm,” I’m actually biting my tongue, “he sure does. We really appreciate it, Mom. Dinner’s ready. Tell Dad ‘hi’ and that we love him. Bye.”

  Despite my mother’s constant underhanded comments and motives, I feel a giant load off my shoulders that they’re going to take the boys for a whole week. The relief I feel suddenly makes the sweat on the back of Eric’s neck sexy. I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, kissing a spot of sweat away.

  “My mom’s going to take the boys for a week,” I whisper into his ear as I kiss it.

  I hear him swallow hard. “I heard.” He turns and grabs my hips, planting a hot kiss on my lips. “It’ll be nice.”

  “Let’s eat and get the boys to bed, okay?” I purr seductively.

  He smiles his boy-on-the-sidewalk smile. “You got it.”

  For the rest of the night I feel normal. Pre-twin, pre-leaving school, pre-everything normal. I don’t think about cutting at all. I focus on my husband—the hot doctoral student I get to call my own. The man who stood by me when he knew everything. Everything.

  Chapter 10

  The rest of the week has gone well. I feel revived and focused, all from one phone call—with my mother of all people—promising a small break from my life. When I get home from dropping the boys off at preschool, I see Eric’s car in the driveway.

  “What’s going on?” I ask as I walk in the apartment.

  He sweeps me off my feet and hoots into my ear. “They offered me a position! UMass offered me a permanent research and teaching position!” He beams with excitement as every single thing he’s ever dreamed has just come true.

  “Oh my God, really? Really! What’d you say?” I tighten my arms around his neck and kiss him.

  He gently sets me down. “I told them I’d need to discuss it with my wife.”

  See, that’s the thing about Eric. I would have jumped up and down screaming yes! all the way across campus. He needs to check with his wife.

  “What’s there to discuss? It’s outstanding job security, a ridiculous salary . . .”

  “And lots of lab hours,” he finishes my sentence. “A research position is awesome, Nat, but it’s all lab, all the time, with classes in between.”

  I pull back a little. “How many more hours could you spend in the lab than you do now?”

  “It’ll be kind of like it is now.” Eric takes a step back and runs his hand through his hair.

  I rub my lips together and nod. “Okay,” I take a deep breath, “do they want you to start right after graduation?” Instinctively I curl my left hand into a fist and dig my nails into my palm.

  “There’s really only one project they want me to help with over the summer, but other than that I’ll start in August.” He sits on the couch and I sit next to him.

  “Well, the boys will start kindergarten in the fall, so I’ll be able to take classes during the day, still, right?”

  Yeah, Nat, just turn this right into something about you.

  Eric wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in, kissing my temple. For some reason it feels like he’s consoling me for something he hasn’t told me yet.

  “Of course. And since I’ll be fully employed there, I’m sure we can get a waiver for the residency requirement. Hey,” he nudges me so I look at him, “we might finally be able to afford the house on Dana Street we’ve always wanted. And,” a tender smile plays across his mouth, “we can realistically think about more kids.”

  I nod and smile as tears fight their way to the surface.

  “I’ve got to get back to campus to give them an answer. They said I could have a few days, but I don’t think we need a few days, do we?”

  I shake my head. “I’m proud of you. Tell them hell yes.”

 
; The door shuts, his car drives away, and I collapse into tears on the bathroom floor—blindly reaching for razors through my flooded eyes. This is everything we’ve wanted for him since we first met and, yet, it seems like a prison sentence somehow. I don’t even pay attention as I slash the razor across the skin on the tops of my thighs. I just want it to hurt more than I do inside right now.

  I feel like a caged animal, rabid with need for freedom that was stolen from me over one careless night in grad school. But, it’s all real now. Eric has a job at a university, my boys will start kindergarten here in the fall, and, Eric wants more kids.

  No.

  * * *

  By March 2002, Spring semester was back in full swing, the snow was melting, and Ryker was still in Afghanistan. We wrote each other constantly and talked as much as possible. For the meantime, school was going fine. I’d always been a good student, so even if I spent more time writing letters to Ryker than studying, I was staying afloat for the time being.

  My social life, however, sucked. It bugged me to go out and listen to girlfriends whine about what “assholes” their boyfriends were being. After snidely telling one girl, “At least he’s around for you to be mad at and not fighting strangers with a gun right now,” Tosha put me on party probation for a few weeks. She said I was a buzzkill. I was.

  However, when Tosha wanted a friend to go to a party at UMass with her to scope out a hot girl she’d met at the Amherst Brewing Company a few weeks prior, you bet your sweet ass she begged me to go.

  “Please? Come on, it’s at her house so it’ll mainly be lesbians anyway.” As strange as it may seem, that was actually a plus.

  I was thoroughly uncomfortable at the prospect of being hit on while Ryker was so far away. Even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong, it still felt wrong. I hadn’t heard from him in a couple of weeks, and I was starting to go a little stir-crazy. I missed him. I needed to get out.

  “God, whatever. I reserve the right to drive your ass home at any point if you start making a total ass out of yourself.”

  “Yay!” She hugged me and kissed my cheek “Now, go change into something hot.”